AMOR FATI
My girlfriend went away on a grant project to do research in Borneo. I couldn’t go with her, I felt like I would only be a tag along. Truthfully I felt like to go with her would be to fall short in my own ambitions. I know it sounds stupid now, in retrospect, but at the time I was too full inside my own head to see it that way.
At the time that she first told me she won the grant instead of feeling proud of her accomplishment and seeing it as a success for the two of us all I felt was resentment. I resented the fact that my grant application was rejected and hers was accepted. I felt inferior to her.
So I decided not to go with her to Borneo. I made up some excuses. Something about having to do some work in Laughlin Nevada, and needing to finish my final edit of the documentary I’ve been working on. But I could have gone. I didn’t need to stay behind except for the fact that I would have felt like a tag along. I would have felt stupid that she won her grant and I lost mine. Her work is important and recognized and mine is just a hobby.
But now I regret my decision to stay behind. I regret it because I realize how selfish I was being. I realize that the other person on her research team is some other guy and they will be spending tremendous amounts of time together in a tent somewhere in Borneo. I should have gone with her, to support her and to just be with her.
And now I am feeling anxious. I feel like I need to accomplish something while she’s away. To justify my decision to stay behind and to feel like her equal.
There isn’t enough time in the day. I need to get everything done. And every day I take on more and more. Until I’m not really getting anything done. I stay up for days at a time without leaving my house. Making up stories and leaving them half finished. There isn’t enough time in the day. I need to have something accomplished that is truly great. I need to prove it. I need to get out this feeling I have inside. That I am a truly great artist.
The pressure is building. And I feel so jagged right now. My soul feels raw. And I wish I could rewind the clock to the moment that she had told me that she won the grant so that I could react differently. I would say, “Oh, that’s great!” and I would say it with genuine sincerity. I would be so excited for her. And there wouldn’t be a tinge of selfishness in my tone. We would set right to work making travel plans. I should have dropped anything to be with her.
But instead I decided to stay here. Because if she’s going to be doing some big important work, then so am I. But what big important work am I going to be doing? It’s not a problem finding projects to occupy my time. On the contrary, it’s a problem trying to limit the amount of time I give to all my projects. The problem is trying to discern if the work I’m doing is worth the time I’m giving to it.
I want to have everything done so that I can have a lot of extra free time when my girl comes back. So I can give all my time to her and not be so distracted. When she comes back. But also I want to feel like I’ve accomplished something while she was gone. I need to feel like it was worth it for me to stay behind. Like the work I do matters also.
I can’t let someone else come in the way of my work and me. I need to stay focused. I need to stay on my own path. If we grow apart that’s just the way it has to be, because I cannot be diverted from the work I was meant to do. There is nothing more important than my work.
Without her it feels so lonely around here. I can’t take it in this city. We only moved here so that she could work at the news station. I never wanted to move here. I don’t know why I’m still here. If I was in another place I would be able to do my work. I need to get away.
It will be better if I go back to Nevada and do my work there. I feel like not even being here when she gets back. I feel ashamed of the way I only think of myself. My selfishness is what in the end will make me truly unhappy. I don’t want to die alone.
The story of the great artist, the great thinker and the production of a legacy is all a myth. The story of a man born to make a legend of himself is a lie. Following that kind of dream will only lead to a lonely tormented nightmare of a life. I feel like I led myself into a trap. To feel like I need to torture my self in order to make truly inspired work because that’s what they did? All the greats were all tortured in some way.
It’s too late to change my mind. She’s already left. I’m going to move into the desert alone. I’m going to go to the top of a lonely desert mountaintop and do my work. Unencumbered by the burden of having to consider anyone else’s feelings. Because I was born to be truly great. And to be truly great and to make work that is truly great, one must make sacrifices. I have to always be on the lookout for any extra weight that I may be able to shed. Because I need to consider my legacy first and foremost. Because if I make any wrong move, any poor choice that may retard the quality of my work it would truly be a crime against human civilization. To deprive the history of human development from the amazing contribution that I was destined to produce would be a crime that I am not willing to take responsibility for. Even at the cost of my own happiness and the happiness of those around me. It is for the good of humanity that I take this moment to choose the hard road.